Car Jokes & Funny Stickers


Thread Starter #1
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[lol] I came across some car jokes and thought I might start a thread on it! I intend no offence to any one's rides.
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Volkswagen wants to improve the quality of Skoda cars, so they take the Skoda workers to the Volkswagen plant. The Skoda workers notice that there a big cage with cats inside it. "What's that for?", they ask. "It's for testing the door seals of new cars. In the evening we put a cat into a car, and when the cat is dead in the morning, we know, that the seal is good."
One month later, Volkswagen's boss goes to the Skoda plant to see if the quality has improved. Everything seems to be the same as before, but there is a big cage with cat inside it. "What is that?", they ask. "It's for testing new cars. In the evening we put a cat into a car, and when the cat is inside in the morning, we know, that the car is good."
 
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Thread Starter #3
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A Rolls Royce pulls up next to a Skoda in a Motorway Service Area. As the drivers get out the Roller driver brags, "I have a Rolls, the best car in the world, and you have just a Skoda". "Ah, but", replies the Skoda owner, "my car has a few optional extras - I have had the seats converted so that they fold into a double bed at the flick of a switch, I have a Colour TV and Video, I have Sky TV and a telephone, and finally a fully functional cocktail cabinet built into the glove compartment". The Roller driver storms off, he cannot cope with being beaten by a SKODA! He goes straight to the Rolls Royce garage and orders all the above to be fitted immediately. 2 weeks later he is driving along and sees the same Skoda parked on the motorway hard shoulder and notices all the windows steamed up. He immediately dials up the Skoda on his in car phone. On answering he says "Hi, remember me? I've had all the extras fitted to my car, I now have a Rolls Royce with Colour TV, Satellite, Phone, Double bed, and of course the cocktail cabinet". "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE BATH JUST TO TELL ME THIS!!!!!!!" replies the Skoda driver !

4) What to do about Cars Speeding in Villages?

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans and lorries crawl thought the village.

5) Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims.

Funny car jokes and one-liners sent in by Alan Turnham

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car


A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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A Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma
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How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.
 
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Thread Starter #4
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If Microsoft were GM

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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Bumper stickers

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

~~~~~

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

~~~~~

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

~~~~~

Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

~~~~~

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

~~~~~

I brake for no apparent reason.

~~~~~

Forget about world peace.
Visualize using your turn signal.

~~~~~

No radio - already stolen.

~~~~~

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

~~~~~

Caution! I drive like you do.

~~~~~

Student Driver
Get the hell out of my way!

~~~~~

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

~~~~~

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

~~~~~

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

~~~~~

So many stupid people...so few comets.

~~~~~

We have enough youth.
How about a Fountain of Smart?

~~~~~

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

~~~~~

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

~~~~~

It IS as bad as you think
and they ARE out to get you.

~~~~~

Auntie Em...Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
Dorothy

~~~~~

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

~~~~~

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

~~~~~

Out of my mind.
Back in five minutes.

~~~~~

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

~~~~~

Born free.
Taxed to death.

~~~~~

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

~~~~~

Laugh alone and the world things you're an idiot.

~~~~~

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

~~~~~

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

~~~~~



Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

~~~~~

All generalizations are false.
 
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Hey everything was good Jalex! And thanks for the Bumper stickers my friend is looking for something like those but related to cars![:D]
 
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some funny bumper stickers...hope u like them..

Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!

Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you from your car

Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and drop your beer

Do not start with me. You will not win.

Do not wash. Vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.

Can't stop now. On my way to hell.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it!

CAUTION! - I brake for tailgaters

CAUTION! - I drive just like you!

Believe in life after death. Mess with my car and you'll find out.

Amateur Rocket Scientist: My other vehicle is in orbit.

Back up off my bumper, it's a letal weapon

Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?

Think this looks bad? You should see the front.

This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle

THE EARTH IS FULL GO HOME

So many pedestrians. So little time!

Of All The Things I've Lost I Miss My Mind The Most

Out of my mind (back in 5 minutes)

Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!

If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.

If everything is co[/b]ming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

I suffer from c.r.s. (can't remember ****)

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?


I still have the body of an 18 year old but it's in my trunk and it's
starting to smell

I don't care, I don't have to.

I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.

I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.

I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back

I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Help! I Farted and can't roll down my windows!

Horn Broken Watch for Finger

I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.

I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.

I'm only driving this way to piss you off.

Don't follow me. I'm lost too.

Clear the road I'm SIXTEEN

Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car?

Cover me! I'm changing lanes.

4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!

A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?

A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.

Answer my prayer -- steal this car.

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
 
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Here’s one more reason to love random free internet searches;
funny motor driving insurance claims:
By the way, these are real
1. The car in front hit a pedestrian, but he got up. So I hit him again

2. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

3. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

4. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

5. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of time before I hit him

6. As I approached the intersection, a sign appeared where a Stop sign had never appeared before.

7.The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

8.My car got hit by a submarine.

9. Okay, this needs explanation. Some submariner’s wife drove to the port where her husband’s submarine was due. The man controlling the submarine, however, was inexperienced, ramming the submarine into the ‘slip’ where it was suppose to be.. parked, so to speak. This broke away a part of the embankment where the lady’s car was, thus sinking it. She got the insurance pay out.
10. This accident was caused by me waving to a man I hit last week.

11. Windscreen broke. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

12.I knew the dog was possessive about the car, but I wouldn’t have let her drive if I had known there was any risk.

13. I was going at 70mph or 80mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles, so I lost control.

14. Some claimant crashed with a cow. The questions and answers on the form;
Q. What warning was given by you?
A. A Horn.
Q. What warning was given by the other party?
A. A Moo

15. I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof’ – Some Australian dude’s claim.

16. I backed out of my drive way to go to work at 7 a.m. and hit a bus. The bus was five minutes early.
And one more,

17.The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and one eye on the car behind’
 
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Thread Starter #11
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some funny bumper stickers...hope u like them..

Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!

Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you from your car

Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and drop your beer

Do not start with me. You will not win.
.............................
Those all are great ones,I guess mine were a little old fashioned ones
 
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Thread Starter #13
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Honk if you love Jesus,Text if you wanna meet him!

To ERR is Human,To ARR is Pirate.

Proud of the Country
Ashamed of the Government.

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.

Hang up and DRIVE!

You have the right to remain stupid!
Anything you say can and will be ignored.

Dont rub the lamp
unless you're ready for the genie![:D]

Keep honking,I'm reloading!

Are you having phone *** or do you always drive that way?

GR8NBED
 
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