Tickle Your Funny Bone - Jokes and Humor

[alfa alfa]

2 beat cops call the crime branch telephone.

Cop: Hello, Crime branch ?

Crime branch: Yes

Cop: This is sergeant John. We have case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Crime branch: Have you arrested the woman ?

Cop: No sir. The floor is still wet.

[Tornado]

Originally Posted by nmm mithra

why is an old women who is about to die is standing at the bus stop in a wild stormy night?

Probably, she wanted to Tickle Your Funny Bone!!! just to justify the title of the thread!

[alfa alfa]

HR during increment gave dice to employee and said if you get 1,2,3,4,5 No increment for you.
Employee asked: What if I get 6
HR: Haven't you played 'LUDO' ever ? You will get another chance.

[Tornado]

This is how to write a love letter, in a professional manner...



Dearest Girl,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Monday, the 15th of June .

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 15th of june at 9.30 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 7 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be treated as cancelled and I shall be considering some other girl (AS WE ARE NEAR TO FEB14th).

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister/friend, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation.


Yours sincerely,



Dedicated to all the corporate guys

[GrandRk]

Courtesy : WhatsApp

[GrandRk]

Once police caught a man who was driving car very fast
Police : Why are you driving so fast?
Man : Sir, i am learning to drive !
Police : Without teacher?
Man: Ya ! I am learning from IIN.

[Akash1886]

Friends,

I heard this on Radio today, A British Airways Flight after flying for about 30mins had to land in emergency because!!

"A passenger had left smelly waste in the lavatory which had the smell spread in whole cabin and it was impossible to fly in such a smell"

Regards

Akash

[shrid]

Here's a quote (Excuse me if it doesn't make sense, made it myself)

"Everybody's born a petrolhead, or a racer. Why do you think they won the very first race? "

[Lameassonwheels]

One man was having a 350cc bullet, he was not able to talk to his girlfriend while riding on it because of its sound. He got fed up and finally sold his bullet and bought a Bajaj Platina 100.
He got married to the same girl and an year passed. Now he is having a 500cc bullet .

Originally Posted by GrandRk

Courtesy : WhatsApp
Attachment 161680

This reminded me of a lady in my office, who always park her car in a quite visibly wrong position to anyone who is not blind and asks "This is ok,right?" to the person who is parking next to her.

[nmm mithra]

Originally Posted by Lameassonwheels

One man was having a 350cc bullet, he was not able to talk to his girlfriend while riding on it because of its sound.

What type of silencer was he using in his 350cc Bullet, because i have a classic 350 and want it to be loud?

Just Joking.

[vijay_968]

Last night my Wify was about to call her parents thinking that my marbles were gone. Reason ? I chanced upon Chuck Norris Facts. My compilation below:

*********
Chuck Norris Critical Facts:

• Chuck Norris got in a fight with a VCR player... now it plays DVDs.
• When Chuck Norris enters a dim room, darkness turns itself OFF.
• No one fools Chuck Norris; his calendar goes from March 31st straight to April 2nd.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
• Chuck Norris doesn't use pick-up lines, he simply says "Come …, NOW"
• During WW-I, Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “BANG”.
• Do you know why there is no signs of life in Mars ? Chuck Norris has already been there.
• The last time Chuck Norris got angry, the dinosaurs got extinct.
• Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without completing it; he simply beat the living s*** out of everything that came out from the game, and the game forfeited.
• Ghosts sit around Camp Fire and tell Chuck Norris Stories.
• Death once had a “near-Chuck-Norris-Experience”.

*********

Chuck Norris : The Roundhouse Kick

• Big bang theory? No No No, that was Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the entire universe into existence.
• The power of one Chuck Norris Round House Kick extends over all existing and yet-to-be-discovered dimensions.
• Chuck Norris Round House Kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two".
• When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in super slow-mo, one finds that Chuck Norris actually beats the life out of his victims, smokes a cigarette with RajniKanth, and then roundhouse kicks the victims in the face.
• When he's about to be sad, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself; since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse kick it makes him feel better.
• Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be a less painful way to die. He roundhouse kicked it anyway because it dared to have more chest hair than him.
• Chuck Norris once played a game of chess with Garry Kasparov. When Norris lost, he roundhouse kicked Kasparov into retirement.
• When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked a score of 0 for every hole. A pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you can’t score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said quietly, I AM Chuck Norris. The man then proceeded to set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks him in the face anyways.
• Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space. That’s why Aliens have not invaded Earth.
• China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth. The Great Wall of China was then created to keep Chuck Norris out.

*********

Chuck Norris and some famous names we know:

• After seeing Chuck Norris, Superman decided to migrate to the world of Comics.
• Iron Man Built his suit out of Chuck Norris' hair.
• After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the more "humane" Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima rather than sending Chuck Norris.
• Before going to sleep, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar as it is given only to actors (not for real killer machine).

*********

Chuck Norris and You:

• Chuck Norris never dials wrong number; you pick up the wrong phone.
• When you say “no one is perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• In an average living room there are 1,234 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including smacking you with the room itself.
• If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google Search, it would reply, "Run while you still have the chance."
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see him, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
• Chuck Norris can kill ALL your Imaginary Enemies.

*********

Chuck Norris – Highlights

• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
• When God said "and let there be light", Chuck Norris said "You forgot to say please”.

Courtesy Chuck Norris Facts | Really Funny Clean Jokes and Humor

PS: I modified some jokes to suit our Taste. WoW, this is my 200th Post in TAI. The most useful post IMO.

[Tornado]

Typical Conf. Calls In Corporates:

Caller1: Hi, this is Dheeraj from Sales.
* Silence * All waiting others to Join*
Caller2: Hi, this is Ajay from Marketing.
* Silence * All waiting others to Join*
Caller3: Hi, its Shyam from Finance.
* Silence * All waiting others to Join*
Caller4: Hello, Kuldeep from Administration.
* Silence * All waiting others to Join*
Caller5: Hi, this is Neha from HR.
All:
Hi Neha,
Hi Neha
Hello Neha
Hi Neha

[vijay_968]

Men's Rules :
1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done; NOT both.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit. So is Pumpkin. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. We are like Government Bonds; takes long time to mature.

1. We are like high heels; once you get the hang of it, it is very easy to walk on.

1. If you really want us to do something we hate to do, just say we are too old for it.

1. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work.
Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Honestly.

1. We are like Computers. Hard to figure out and never with enough Memory.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become Null and Void after 7 days.

Courtesy : A page from Stumbleupon

[GrandRk]

Why men are not allowed to give advice in Love columns of magazines

‪#‎Anonymous‬:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband romancing with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.

Reply by male columnist:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!

[shrid]

Many women turn into good drivers, following lane discipline and stuff



So beware of women drivers, they might "turn" into you if you're following lane discipline and stuff.